Here’s my pushback on mindset

From every talk I’ve listened to that begins with the idea that in order to even start to comprehend the contents of the talk, it has to start with a radical shift in mindset and after all of the articles and books I’ve read that talk about mindset, I’ve come to realize that mindset is a punchy way to say attitude.

You may disagree. You might say that mindset is more than attitude and I’m sure you’ll make a lovely case for why they are different but when I really dig in, I realize they are synonyms.

Both are day to day intrinsically driven choices. Both can be swayed by external things happening to us if we are easily deterred. Both require a certain level of grit to sustain. Both are ours to control. And in fact you could argue that you can’t even define mindset without using the word attitude. Almost as if mindset is a combination of attitudes that work together.

Attitude is important. Mindset is important. My push back, is that mindset is not the beginning. It is not the foundation. It wouldn’t be so ephemeral if it was a foundation. The way that I hear it used over and over is that in order to effect change in your life you need to change your attitude from a negative to a positive. Like a light switch. Turn the light on and everything will work great. Turn the light off and you start bumping into stuff.

I think there is a layer deeper than that. I think there is a layer that is so powerful and overwhelming that if it’s not addressed or identified, then you’re not going to switch the light on, in fact, you’re not even getting out of bed.

That layer, that bedrock, is your core belief system. The ideas and feelings that you developed in early adolescence that shape every decision you make and decide how you will respond to the things that rub up against those core beliefs.

Can they change? Sure. Do they change easily? No. Not like we expect mindset to change.

When we go against our mindset we don’t even notice. We only recognize after the fact that our attitude has been poor lately. We don’t feel the instant guilt or knee jerk reaction to when we infract against our core beliefs. Letting go of core beliefs, especially if they are morality based, can send people into a spiral of despair and extreme shame.

The core beliefs we have about ourselves are embedded in our upbringing. They are tied to how we were raised by our parents, to life events, to traumas, to pain, to joy. Our core beliefs are stitched together thread by thread everyday up until today. And tomorrow, another thread will be tied in and knit together with our compounding core beliefs.

Mindset, lives right on top of our core belief system. If our core beliefs are rocked, so is our mindset. It’s a rippling effect. Mindset then effects our actions. Our actions effect our results. Our results either confirm or disprove our beliefs and another stitch is made.

So where do we begin?

Examination. Start by examining and re-examining and pulling into question all of it. Write down all of the core beliefs you think you might have about yourself, the world and the universe. Listen to yourself. Anything that doesn’t feel true, either cross it out or put a question mark by it to think about it more a little later. Circle three or four that you just don’t question.

Then say to yourself, if I believe these things are true then when I wake up in the morning I will give myself permission to feel <blank>. To help you get there write out all of the feelings that you associate with your three or four core values. Cross out any that don’t feel authentic. Put a question mark by any you need to think about more and then circle the three or four that really ring true and that feel obtainable.

Then you say to yourself, if I feel this way getting out of bed in the morning then I will make these things a part of my early routine. Doing the same exercise of writing things down, circling the things that feel best and are sustainable, for me, I know that the day will start off right if I make my bed, brush my teeth, eliminate and leave with a clean kitchen and living room. Everything else can be out of sorts but I know that if there are no dishes in the sink and the clean dishes are put away, the counters are wiped down and I can see my living room floor, I will be much more productive that day. I’ve already started with a win.

For you, that might be stretching or making a cup of coffee or going on a run. Whatever it is, you just have to pick the thing that you know you can sustain and you know that it will make you feel better about the day ahead.

Here’s the thing, you can’t always guarantee results. Results are often determined by the free will of others. Your agency and the agency of others is what makes things happen. You can’t control others. You can only control you. The minute you try to control others is the same minute that you lose control of yourself. So the results largely have to be left to fate.

But those first three things are all about you. Staying true to your core beliefs, even after they change. Your attitudes about the things you need to do flowing from your core beliefs. Your daily ritual being a pleasure and not drudgery because you’ve decided those things contingent on the others. Those are the things that lead to successful results and guess what, people will want to work with you and they’ll want to help you get what you need because you’re happy and that’s rubbing off on them.

Sometimes your life gets rocked. Sometimes your core beliefs get shaken to the core and all you have left is a single thread of a belief. I have been there. I am there. The only thing I’m sure about is that I love my daughters and my parents and my siblings. That’s all I know right now.

And I’m using that to get out of bed in the morning. I’m using that to try to extend that love to others. I’m using that to try to love God again. I’m using that to try to love myself. And sometimes the only thing I can do is make my bed in the morning.

But that’s the start.